Rooty Tooty Fresh n Fruity

My former team threw me a cubicle moving party today involving taking me to IHOP, one of my favorite not-good restaurants, and even they had to admit that that was some good brunch. I try to justify spending money on mediocre food by including things I know would be extremely difficult to make myself. In this case, hash browns. I don't think I can ever get them browned to that perfect crisp...One of those weird items I found myself sadly missing every time I got served 'country-style' potatoes with chopped peppers at a NYC diner- because I suppose New Yorkers don't care to grate their potatoes. It's funny the things I find myself missing once I'm in a different environment- usually things I didn't really crave in the original environment. In Hong Kong as a kid I missed cherry slushees when all they had was coke or grape flavor at 7-11. Here, I find myself really missing my median-priced Japanese hair salon (me, who got bad $6 haircuts until I was 25) where I had a Guy who knew my name and lectured me regularly for taking so long between cuts...and even wanted me to be his hair model (or mannequin) for his classes, which I left before I had a chance to do. My not-so-secret vain dorky inner princess LOVED the idea of playing beauty parlor model once I realized I actually had a part of my body suitable for modeling, even if it was actually dead extensions from follicles. It was like when George Costanza discovered he could be a hand model. I imagined emerging with some uber-punk Japanese rock star 'do, in pink, of course. It reminded me of one of those late-night dormitory discussions where I came upon the realization that many women look at their bodies as a series of parts with varying levels of approval, whereas men, as much as they talk about T & A, tend to look at women more as a composite whole that is generally thumbs up or down. Or maybe that's just what the guys told me to try and sound sensitive...

So my new team at work is okay. The 'monster' I was weary of has been perfectly fine to me so far, whereas Soccer Mom, who I'd thought would be fine, cannot resist managing in a mothering way, usually prefacing a comment with 'I don't mean to be a mom but....'. The new client, I'm convinced, is nuts. Aside from his stories, told with what I think is a Kiwi accent, about being a baron, having multiple degrees, almost marrying a Persian princess, attending Woodstock, and inventing the Illudium Pu-36 explosive space modulator, he stinks to such an extent that I have to face my colleague even when he's talking to me, so I don't make the 'oh smelly' face. But he would be a terrific character for a book, especially when he pulls on his red suspenders with his thumbs. Since he was so into announcing his resume talking points, I looked him up and found his online resume, which as far as I can tell does not indicate him doing anything that lasted beyond 1-2 years aside from high school. I'm being a bit mean because when I introduced myself he simply said 'NEE HOW MAH?' which always annoys me even though it's not really that bad...It's simply realizing that for some people the first thing they think is 'Chinese' not 'Architect' or 'Colleague' and that is their attempt at wit or bonding. I think I need to find a good standardized response to this sort of thing besides the look of befuddlement I usually give. Any suggestions?