What keeps a mother going...

My little boy turned 1 last week, it's hard to believe how quickly this year passed, and hard to grasp the concept of having only had one year of living. Granted a baby makes enormous leaps and bounds in a year, going from a crying pooping little pet to the beginnings of a little person who very much wants to explore and experiment in the great big world. Sometimes I wish I could understand what's going on in that little round head of his, and I think I got a rare opportunity in an unexpected way.

Once in awhile I have a dream that is potent enough for me to wake up with the intense emotions felt in the dream, so much so that for a moment you believe it's really happening. As a kid it would center around something like believing I really had a puppy and waking up sooo excited about that. Recently I had a completely surprising one. I can't remember the plotline, but in it I was looking at my mother and feeling the exact same feeling I did as a small child: that she was perfect, and all knowing, and would always protect me and guide me and have all the answers I could ever need. The sensation was enormously comforting, I was in awe, awash with warmth and love and security. In fact I can't remember the last time I felt that completely at ease. Now that I'm grown and jaded I couldn't summon up that emotion if I tried....even if I love and respect people, knowing that humans are fallible makes it impossible.

And that is a very sad thing.

Now I'm not an especially religious person, but I think of myself as spiritual. If I was religious I would say that God was showing me how my son feels now when he craves our comfort, and what a gift it is to really be able to provide such complete comfort and reassurance to someone. Exhausting? Sure, sometimes. But now that he's growing and wiggling and less inclined to cuddle, I can't help but treasure those moments when he does want to be rocked in the middle of the night. He won't remember a single moment of these dark nights in the rocking chair, a kiss on his head or a palm on his cheek. For me, I try and bottle every one.